Eccentric Randomness

2004-08-13T12:11:00.000-05:00

I think the problem is that I get bored with things. And I know "things" is a terrible noun, but to include it all in one word, "things" is a necessary. This blog for instance.... It was neat at first, right? I mean, I posted a good bit, ect. But now...well, not so much, huh? Yet, it's not been completely abandoned, right? I mean, I post...sometimes...once a month...sometimes. Maybe it's just that I don't have much to write. Nah, that's not it. Maybe I would just rather write what I have to write in my journal or keep my quotes and poetry in a private space--not where anyone can invade and critique? Maybe. Or maybe I just get bored with "things." Hmmm. What do you think, O imaginary reader? What do I think? Wouldn't you like to know....

That was a random rant.

I cannot believe I'll be back in St. Augustine in a week! Wohoo! I'll be moving into the dorms on August 20th to begin R.A. stuff. I'm excited! And I'm super excited about the hall theme my hall partner and I are doing. Oh, what fun! I can't wait to decorate.... Oh, you want to know what the hall theme is? We are doing "Ancient Egypt." How cool! My hall partner Sarah Shipman came up with the idea. We had been talking about doing "Candy Land," but "Ancient Egypt" is a unique, crazy-cool idea! She's a history major, so that explains it all. Hehe. It's going to be way awesome!

Tomorrow night is the Dolphins vs. Jaguars game. I hope the weather isn't too bad tomorrow so that Jessy can come up for our Dolphin-party and spend the night.... That's enough of my ramblings for one day. *Muah*

2004-08-04T19:48:00.000-05:00

*STARS*

"Star light, star bright...we look up and we hope the stars look down, we pray that there may be stars for us to follow, stars moving across the heavens and leading us to our destiny, but it's only our vanity. We look at the galaxy and fall in love, but the universe cares less about us than we do about it, and the stars stay in thier courses however much we may wish upon them to do otherwise. It's true that if you watch the sky-wheel turn for a while you'll see a meteor fall, flame and die. That's not a star worth following; it's just an unlucky rock. Our fates are here on earth. There are no guiding stars."

--Salman Rushdie, from The Moor's Last Sigh

2004-06-25T15:39:00.000-05:00

Here's a quote to contemplate:

"Dream images and dream voices mingle with those of the real world. Yet the 'real' world begins to dissolve too, revealed as simply an extension of the dream."

--Joyce Carol Oates, Marya: A Live

Oh, the thin thread of reality that we so desperately cling to....

2004-05-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

What does your birth month say about you?

Hmmm.... This post is a little cheesy, yet somehow, fun! ;) I don't think all of this description is accurate--but I think the majority is! What do you think?

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and
clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.
Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest
and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves
freedom. Rebellious when
restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and
easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those
not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves
making friends but rarely
shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing
dreams and hopes. Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the
inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to
learn to show emotions

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-04-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

Some favorite quotes from Foxfire: Confessions of a Girl Gang by Joyce Carol Oates

“The things that link us deepest, we can’t feel.
Except if they’re taken from us.”
--p. 9

“The world’s a cesspool so you better keep your head well up out of it and you fucking better learn how to swim.”
--p. 13

“There’s only one right way, but there’s a million million wrong ways which is why things get fucked up constantly.”
--p. 15

“The moon so bright you’d never think it could be merely rock like the earth’s common rock and lifeless, merely reflected light from an invisible sun and not a powerful living light of its own.”
--p. 17

“What is memory but the repository of things doomed to be forgotten, so you must have History. You must labor to invent History. Being faithful to all that happens to you of significance, recording days, dates, events, names, sights not relying merely upon memory which fades like a Polaroid print there you see the memory fading before your eyes like time itself retreating.”
--p. 44

“Living’s immediacy, you go full sail, you’re in a fever of motion. Until it’s safe and past and done and dead and you can say, like waking from a dream, ‘Yes I was happy then, yes now it’s all over I can see I was happy then.’ Maybe that’s the advantage of dying?”
--p. 56

“There are things you don’t want to think about if you’re female, say you’re a young girl or a woman you’re female and that isn’t going to change, right?”
--p. 101

“Say there’s a mirror you have trusted to give you a solid unblemished surface reflecting the world then suddenly it breaks and shatters revealing a thousand new surfaces, miniature angles of seeing that must have been there all along hidden in the mirror’s bland face but you hadn’t known.

Who is, who was.

Whoever’s reading this, if anyone is reading it: does it matter that our old selves are lost to us as surely as the past is lost, or is it enough to know yes we lived then, and we’re living now, and the connection must be there?—like a river hundreds of miles long exists both at its source and at its mouth simultaneously?”
--p. 179

“People have got to put a name on anything different from them.”
--p. 197

“Once you know to look with informed eyes you can never again see the WORLD like a palpable block or shape possessed of permanent dimensions, you can see only its swift shadowy MOTION.”
--p. 221

“She’s in that happy equilibrium state where you realize suddenly that NOTHING MATTERS except if you give it dominion over you to matter.”
--p. 238

“The paraphernalia of femininity!”
--p. 266

“The strangeness of Time. Not in its passing, which can seem infinite, like a tunnel whose end you can’t see, whose beginning you’ve forgotten, but in the sudden realization that something finite, a piece of Time, has passed, and is irretrievable.”
--p. 272

“She’d been mistaken believing that stars were permanent, telling herself the stars are there in the sky no matter how things change on earth—soon coming to learn of course the stars aren’t permanent nor are they even there, that’s the most ironic fact of all. The heavenly light you admire is fossil-light, it’s the unfathomably distant past you gaze into, stars long extinct.
Even our own sun, our domestic star, is eight minutes into the past. Look-back time it’s called, such tricks of light and Time, such paradoxes, best not to think of it. I mean—not to think of it with any emotion, not a shred.”
--p. 327

2004-04-24T10:24:00.000-05:00

“Forecast”

The weatherperson flashes
To the satellite view
And like Van Gogh’s starry night sky,
The Atlantic is blooming
With unassuming amber swirls
Whose bright red eyes
Light up the radar screen,

So we take affirmative action
And impose on dispassionate Nature
A superficial alpha order nomenclature,
Insuring every faction gets its due:
Humberto, Iris, Jerry, Karen, Luis,
Maligned, Neglected, Ostracized,
Homo-hetero-multicultural
Gender-friendly juggernauts,

Who hover in a holding pattern,
Drawing battle lines in broad,
Indifferent strokes.
Oblivious to their names,
They may obliterate their namers.

We may heed the warning flags
And flee across the flood zones
In search of Ararat,
Each pair with their moniker
Politically correct:
An African-American twosome,
A Feminist duet, a Neo-Nazi pair,
A Christian Coalition,
And a matching set of Jews,
But each team will view the others
As animals unclean,
So Noah may say no this time, and turn us all away.

And as these storms make landfall,
And we pray for salvation
To our separate gods,
Our protests, strikes, and riots
Will all be done in vain,
For nature is impartial,
No exceptions to its rule.

If somehow we survive it,
And God decides
It’s just not worth the effort
To drown us all again,
He’ll splash another rainbow
In an arc across the sky
And hope we learn to be color blind
To its separate bands of shade
And realize the grandeur
Of the spectrum as a whole,
Appreciate unselfishly
The splendor of the blend.

--Todd Palmer
From Shadowless Flight

2004-04-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

"Evidently the only way to find the path is to set fire to my own life."

The only way to find the path is to set fire to my own life.... What does this mean? A life--my life: dense wood, ground covered with dried, crushed leaves and knotty-knobby roots, jutting out, tripping me as I try to find where the hell I am and where the hell I'm supposed to be going. Like the scene in Big Fish.... Thick spider webs hang menacinly down, catching and clinging to my face. As I try to ward them off--brushing them away with my hands. They cling to my hands, my body. Sticky threads surround me and now I am someone's dinner. Screeching. Screaming. Ominous noises echo in the silence. Am I in a horror movie? Where am I? I don't know. Oh, yes--my life. That sucks. So I can't see anything, right? It's foggy and the trees and underbrush form a wall. I'm surrounded--by walls. A box? Luckily, I posses a match in my pocket. I strike. It blazes. I can suddenly see. I fling it down and the dried leaves immediately ignite and spread the light that takes away the darkness. And then what happens? I die. Ignorance was better. Reality is too harsh and what I see burns my eyes as the fire surrounds me and chars my pink skin to black. To see the future is death. It is better to feel my way down the path of life day by day. Inch by inch. I trip, but I get up.

2004-04-18T23:22:00.000-05:00

"Cheers" by Raymond Carver

Vodka chased with coffee. Each morning
I hang the sign on the door:

OUT TO LUNCH

But no one pays attention; my friends
look at the sign and
sometimes leave little notes,
or else they call - Come out and play,
Ray - mond.

Once my son, that bastard,
slipped in and left me a colored egg
and a walking stick.
I think he drank some of my vodka.
And last week my wife dropped by
with a can of beef soup
and a carton of tears.
She drank some of my vodka, too, I think,
then left hurriedly in a strange car
with a man I'd never seen before.
They don't understand; I'm fine,
just fine where I am, for any day now
I shall be, I shall be, I shall be . . .

I intend to take all the time in this world,
consider everything, even miracles,
yet remain on guard, ever
more careful, more watchful,
against those who would sin against me,
against those who would steal vodka,
against those who would do me harm.

2004-04-18T21:02:00.000-05:00

"Fear" by Raymond Carver
Fear of seeing a police car pull into the drive.
Fear of falling asleep at night.
Fear of not falling asleep.
Fear of the past rising up.
Fear of the present taking flight.
Fear of the telephone that rings in the dead of night.
Fear of electrical storms.
Fear of the cleaning woman who has a spot on her cheek!
Fear of dogs I've been told won't bite.
Fear of anxiety!
Fear of having to identify the body of a dead friend.
Fear of running out of money.
Fear of having too much, though people will not believe this.
Fear of psychological profiles.
Fear of being late and fear of arriving before anyone else.
Fear of my children's handwriting on envelopes.
Fear they'll die before I do, and I'll feel guilty.
Fear of having to live with my mother in her old age, and mine.
Fear of confusion.
Fear this day will end on an unhappy note.
Fear of waking up to find you gone.
Fear of not loving and fear of not loving enough.
Fear that what I love will prove lethal to those I love.
Fear of death.
Fear of living too long.
Fear of death.

I've said that.

2004-04-04T17:11:00.000-05:00

The way out. To show the fly the way out of the bottle was the life's hope of Ludwig Wittenstein but the truth is that human beings don't want a way out of the bottle; we are captivated, enthralled by the interior of the bottle; its glassy sides caress and console us; its glassy sides are the perimeters of our experience and our aspiration; the bottle is our skin, our soul; we're accustomed to the visual distortions of the glass; we would not wish to see clearly, without the barrier of the glass; we could not breathe a fresher air; we could not survive outside the bottle.

Or tell ourselves, in the classy-echoing language of the bottle, that this is so.

--Joyce Carol Oates, from I'll Take You There ("Anellia") p. 190

To show the fly the way out of the bottle? Break the bottle

--Joyce Carol Oates, from I'll Take You There ("Anellia") p. 243

These are some interesting quotes from a book I am using for Psychoanalytic Criticism for LitCrit....

2004-03-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

"Always use good grammar. It's like wearing designer clothing. People may not like your style, but they will pay attention to the cut of your cloth."

"Never have a long conversation with anyone who says 'between you and I.'" *Testify, Megs!*

--(Tallulah) from _Up from Jericho Tel_ by E.L. Konigsburg

2004-02-27T17:39:00.000-05:00

Day of Rest

Comfortable steam curling
From dark liquid
In blue ceramic mug
Hypnotizing me...
Legs curled around body
Feet tucked between couch cushions
As he rubs small circles
On my upper thigh--
A distracted touch of love
Distracting me...
I see the tide pacing
Back and forth,
Slapping innocent, pale-white sand...
Out the balcony window
Six inch people run in circles
Enjoying the warm Florida-February
And reminding me of
The ridiculousness of it all....
--LJM

2004-02-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

A favorite quote from Erin Brokavich:
"That's all you have--two wrong feet and a pair of ugly fucking shoes."

2004-02-27T10:33:00.000-05:00

So yeah. I guess it has been a hugely long time since I have posted last. Sorry Rob--don't cry! :) Where to begin. Alot has been going on--obviously--in the month and a half since I have posted. Quick update: classes are alot of work but I enjoy them. I am really enjoying writing for the campus newspaper. I am considering trying to get an internship over the summer with _The Times Union_. I have a midterm today. I am reading Samuel Richardson's _Pamela_ at the moment--which I need to get back to reading. The battery in my watch died, so I think I will just get a new watch. I gave a tour at nine this morning. Campus Visit Day is tomorrow--so I will be up at like 5 a.m.--five comes around twice a day, what? I have a ton of stuff to do this weekend...I digress. Greg is so freakin' awesome it isn't even funny. Hmm...what else.... Oh, I have papers and research exploding out of my ears...did I mention that? :) I will post some more interesting things later. :) cheese* Muah*

2004-01-13T19:35:00.000-05:00

Below is my newest experiment...tell me whatcha think.

2004-01-13T19:34:00.000-05:00

The Trinity: Re-united January 13, 2004

Brisk-cold early morning air
Puffs of smoke rise gracefully
From three laughing mouths

Three pairs of frozen lips
Three pairs of chattering teeth
Three musical voices raised

Peaceful upheaval
Quietness interrupted
By the sound of friendship

The music of 1 a.m.
The music of one friendship
Of three individuals

The trinity:

Re-united.

Living yellow rose offered
In place of
Traditional olive branch….

2003-12-23T11:07:00.000-05:00

Globes Galore: The Golden Globe nominations are out. Big favorite in
the category Best Documentary Short. America? Its Allies Abroad. (Ray)
--Shoptalk (Mass Comm Newsletter)

2003-12-15T20:23:00.000-05:00

Well, today was my first day back at work--Chick-fil-A in Jax! Whoohoo! I love them so much! Anywho...I worked 11:30-7:00 and now I am relaxing in one of my many Miami Dolphin shirts anxiously waiting for 9 p.m. Monday Night Football! Miami vs. Philly! :) It's going to be a fun one! We are going to see how many books I can read in this month break between semesters.... So I am going to inform you when I have finished one.... Ahem.... Okay, I have finished one! lol! I finished Toni Morrison's, Beloved, this morning--good book. Anyway...I don't have too much to say at the moment...besides that today was a GREAT DAY! It is good to feel welcomed and accepted--such a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling! :)

2003-12-13T18:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, I got my tentative schedule for next semester...here are the classes:

Principles of Journalism
Publications Workshop
Literary Criticism
Advanced Expository Writing
Short Story Writing
The Art of Non-Fiction

HELLO! FOUR WRITING CLASSES! Who do they think I am?! This is going to be interesting, yes? I was supposed to be getting two lit. classes that I didn't get into, but my advisor *BEST EVER* Todd Lidh (English Chair) teaches them.... So I talked to him and I decided that I want to keep Short Story Writing and drop The Art of Non-Fiction (which is like writing memoirs and auto-biographies...blah) for his Restoration/18th Century Literature! He said no problem and that he would get me in! So that is very exciting! So over all...I am nervous and excited about next semester lol! Good grief at those classes! lol!

2003-12-13T18:02:00.000-05:00

I know most of you think that I have dropped off the planet and am presently floating in endless space...but...alas...I'm back! Hehe! Finals are finally over, the "drama" has finally calmed down a bit, and I am home! On an interesting note: Nick (my *FAV* manager at work) told me that John (bad *least FAV* manager from CFA in St. Augustine) had called him and told him that I quit and wanted Nick to call and talk me into going back to work for him....Okay...here is the good part.... John told Nick that I quit because I apparently "got into it with another girl that worked there over a guy"! WHAT?! That is very interesting and if it wasn't so funny, I would be pissed and call John right now and chew him out for starting rumors about me! Hahahaha!

2003-12-12T17:13:00.000-05:00

Okay...this is absolutely hilarious and sadly true....Thought you all might enjoy it!

From: Paul Harris
paul@harrisonline.com
RE: Are Viewers Morons?

Sometimes it seems that local TV newscasts are written with the
assumption that the viewers are complete morons.

That's the only possible explanation for this copy, which was read as
part of a health report on KSDK-5/St. Louis during their noon newscast
today: "Vitamin C is an important part of any diet. You can find
vitamin C in orange juice. But be sure to check the juice's expiration
date to be sure it's still good."

This message brought to you by The Department of DUH!

Is there anyone over the age of 10 who doesn't know these three
things? If they don't, what are the chances they understand the
concept of an expiration date?

I can see it now -- after that report airs, a confused viewer asks,
"Why don't they explain how to get the juice out of the orange? Does
it come in some sort of container? Where could I get such a container?
If it's at the store, how do I know which store to go to, and how can
I get there?"

Please, if you can't grasp basic life concepts on your own without TV
reinforcement, do the rest of us a favor. Stay off the road and avoid
operating any machinery, heavy or light.

Tomorrow on NewsChannel Five, a reminder that, while walking, you
should alternate feet.

.Paul Harris
The Big 550 KTRS/St. Louis

2003-11-26T22:35:00.000-05:00

We all fail...Sometimes
We all let someone down...
Sometimes there's nothing left to do
But to live with what's been done
And hope that next time we won't be the one...
To fail....

I know that we can go on...
That beginnings come from ends...

--SuperchiK[s]

2003-11-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A FABULOUS DAY WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND GOOD FOOD TOMORROW! HUGS AND KISSES!

2003-11-24T10:21:00.000-05:00

For you:

Been running from these feelings for so long
Telling my heart I didn't need you
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie
So afraid to take a chance again
So afraid of what I feel inside

But I need to be next to you
Oh I, oh I
I need to share every breath with you
Oh I, oh I
I need to know I can see your smile each morning
Look into your eyes each night
For the rest of my life
Here with you near with you
Oh I, I need to be next to you

Right here with you is where I belong
I'll lose my mind if I can't see you
Without you there is nothing in this life
That would make life worth living for
I can't bear the thought of you not there
I can't fight what I feel anymore

Oh I, I need to be next to you
I need to have your heart next to mine
...

--Sara Evans, "NEED TO BE NEXT TO YOU"

2003-11-24T10:13:00.000-05:00

"Desiah, Desiah, Desiah...." --Jessy

2003-11-22T01:29:00.000-05:00

"But then, in the end we all travel very lightly indeed. Nothing to carry more substantial than memories...and maybe that's the heaviest baggage of all...."

-Keri Hulme, Kerewin Holmes from The Bone People

2003-11-22T01:22:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let you know that "your shit don't stink," and "roses smell like poo."
Luv ya Heather and Jessy! Muah*

2003-11-20T14:23:00.000-05:00

111803-111903

Electric bolt
Coursing through my hand
Up my arm
Hitting heavy heart
Wisting Misting Eyes
Longing to be seen
Desperate to be hidden.

Only-a-friend-facade
Waiting to be recognized
In the early morning darkness
"If only. . ." repeated
Again--
No more.
She, only-important;
I, fading shadow.

Secret Innocent Pleasure
Claustrophobic Heart Suffocating
Within Cage.

How does it end?
It doesn't.
And I die forever.

--LJM

2003-11-15T19:39:00.000-05:00

"But we didn't, not in the moonlight, or by the phosphorescent lanterns of lightning bugs in your backyard, not beneath the constellations that we couldn't see, let alone decipher, nor in the dark glow that had replaced the real darkness of night, a darkness already stolen from us; not with the skyline rising behind us while the city gradually decayed, not in the heat of summer while a Cold War raged; despite the freedom of youth and the license of first love--because of fate, karma, luck, what does it matter?--we made not doing it a wonder, and yet we didn't, we didn't, we never did."
--Stuart Dybek, the last paragraph of "We Didn't"

You know who you are.... If you want the rest of the short-story, I will copy it for you....

2003-11-15T18:51:00.000-05:00

For you:

If I had a weakness
You sure found it tonight
Some hidden desperation
You saw floating in my eyes
Moments just like these baby
Wrong can feel so right
And I don't wanna go home tonight

I've held it all together
As long as I can
There's pieces of me fallin'
Right into your hands
And don't the lies come easy baby
When the truth just ain't worth the fight
No I, I don't wanna go home tonight

So lay me down easy
And hold on tight
And tell me I'm the only one you see tonight
Lonely woman, lonely man
There's just some things only lonely understands

I might be just a sinner
Who wants to be a saint
One justifies the reason
Oh, one understands the pain
And I don't know what's wrong baby
And I sure don't know what's right
But I don't wanna go home tonight

--Sara Evans "Tonight"

2003-11-15T18:43:00.000-05:00

So it's been a long...long...long time since I last posted. I don't think I need to tell you that, but oh well, I did anyway. And consequently, there has been many happenings in my life.... Too many to write about here--it would take way too long, but you guys know anyway ;) I will at least write a brief synopsis. Thursday was my last night at Chick-fil-A here in St. Augustine--YEA! (Pardon my exclamation of joy.) I put my two weeks notice in two-weeks ago Thursday. I just couldn't stand it there anymore. It is a great place to eat, but I wouldn't recommend working at that one--now Roosevelt Square ROCKS! MAD LOVE to you guys! Any-who, I hope I don't get sued for slander, lol. School has been hectic, and it is getting more so. We have a short time left before finals, so it is "crunch time" now--you know, where your professors try to "crunch" EVERY important assignment/paper/exam into the last few weeks of school, and you end up having three huge projects due every day? haha. Oh well. I registered for my classes for next semester: Restoration/18th Cent. Enlightenment Literature, Great Works of World Literature, Literary Criticism, Advanced Expository Writing, Principles of Journalism, and Publications Workshop (16 credit hours). Apparently these classes are going to be super hard :) Good thing I like tons of reading and writing...or do I? I think many of us are asking questions like "why am I an English major? Why am I a fine arts major? Why am I an education major? Why am I a poli sci major?" lol! I love you guys! But deep down, we know the answer to our question.... I am an English major because that is my passion--that is what I love.... The questions arise when I am stressing over papers! hehe!

2003-10-20T14:25:00.000-05:00

"In fact writing is just a sort of disease, a sickness. It's a form of incompleteness, it's a form of anguish, it's despair."
--V. S. Naipaul

I am feeling the despair right about now. I just realized that I have a ton of stuff to do.... So I am going to go work on an abstract and the annotation for my bibliography.

2003-10-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

In the postmodern age, "we have come to understand our own selves, as composites, often contradictory, even internally incompatible. We have understood that each of us is many different people. Our younger selves differ from our older selves; we can be bold in the company of our lovers and timorous before our employers, principled when we instruct our children and corrupt when offered some secret temptation. The nineteenth century concept of the integrated self has been replaced by this jostling crowd of 'I's. And yet, unless we are damaged, or deranged, we usually have a clear sense of who we are. I agree with my many selves to call all of them 'me.'"
--Salman Rushdie

2003-10-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay.... No I didn't drop off of the face of the earth! It has been a long, long time since I blogged last. :) Maybe it was because I didn't have anything to say--maybe I have dried up like Ernest Hemingway... maybe it was because I have been slammed with work and barely have time to sleep ;) Maybe it was a combination of the two! I finished Midnight's Children (Rushdie) last night...all 533 pages of it...finally. I feel like that book has been a permanent extention of my arm for the last week and a half. Oh yeah, it has been!

This is for Jessy and late delirious nights falling asleep on books and reading the same page for ten mins. and laughing at nothing:

"Midnight, or thereabouts. A man carrying a folded (and intact) black umbrella walks toward my window from the direction of the railway tracks, stops, squats, shits. Then sees me silhouetted against light and, instead of taking offense at my voyeurism, calls: 'Watch this!' and proceeds to extrude the longest turd I have ever seen. 'Fifteen inches!' he calls, 'How long can you make yours?'"
--Salman Rushdie, from Midnight's Children

*MuAh* Luv ya chickabee!

2003-09-28T16:56:00.000-05:00

Oh, if you want me to "stay gone," I will. I will disappear. I will become invisible. And then you will never have to be reminded of my existence, nor plagued by my memory. And life will be perfect....

2003-09-28T01:32:00.000-05:00

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. (Rainer Maria Rilke -- "Letters to a Young Poet")

2003-09-28T01:26:00.000-05:00

The questions that haunt me aren't questions whose counterparts are pat, cliched answers.... Who know if the answers even exist.... But I long for them. I search endlessly for them. I will never find them. Or so it seems. So for now, I must be satisfied with the questions. The endless tirade of why? and why not? and what does it all mean? But can I be satisfied with answerless questions? One more question. No. I cannot be. But I must be. Yes, this is one more contradiction in life...and isn't life a constant contradiction? Yet, life is linear...not circular. The past is behind me...why do I keep looking back? Longing for something that can never be again? Maybe I know the answers...maybe I just don't like them.... Maybe...that is another word that echoes in my head, in my heart. And just maybe, the burned bridge is the only one that I need. But it is too late now.... There it lies, ashes floating away in the rushing, gushing stream. It's gone. And here I stand, with a chasm of questions standing between me and the other side--standing between me and where I long to be. So the questions become my friends, my lovely, hated friends. I become familiar in their company. Maybe this is why I seemingly cannot find the answers. I have become too familiar with the questions. They haunt me...but I search out their haunting voices....

2003-09-26T09:39:00.000-05:00

COFFEE--must have coffee.... I know I look like the walking dead right now! Let me just say that I did NOT get up for my 9 a.m. class to study the art of dancing in "Shakespeare in Love." As much as I am sure the movie is wonderful, ect. ect., sleep is much more wonderfully needed... lol....

"No, I want you, I want you," was all he answered, blindly, with that terrible intonation which frightened her almost more than her horror lest he should not want her."

--D. H. Lawrence, from "The Horse Dealer's Daughter"

"It tastes like licorice," the girl said and put the glass down.
"That's the way with everything."
"Yes," said the girl. "Everything tastes like licorice. Especially all the things you've waited so long for...."

--Ernest Hemingway, from "Hills Like White Elephants"

2003-09-22T09:51:00.000-05:00

The soft rain lightly sprinkles my upturned face and puddles together on the ground. It's a sweet, melancholy rain--a rain that causes contemplation, a rain that requires remembrance. Why do I always have to ask questions? Why can I not let anything simply exist, be by itself, uninterrupted by my constant tirade of "why? so what? how come?" Constant categorization. Not everything fits into the confining boxes I store in my heart and mind. That disturbes me most. Like us. Why do I have to rationalize everything? Not everything can be rationalized, yet those are the things I spend the most time dwelling on--finally turning up a mental, numbered outline to why...and why not. The rain has stopped. It lies stagnant on the asphalt, waiting to be stirred up, waiting patiently to be disturbed. And just as the puddles must be disturbed, so must the puddles in my mind, the pool of unanswered, answerless questions. I must jump in. I must dive. I must be careful to keep my head above water. I must be careful not to drown.

2003-09-18T22:49:00.000-05:00

One of my literature professors made an interesting statement today. He said, "Marry your best friend. Forget about Mr. Right; forget about the knight in shining armor; forget about 'the one.' Marry your best friend. No one knows you better. No one loves you more."

*Gotta lover Hornerbreath!*

2003-09-18T09:44:00.000-05:00

A *few* of my favorite quotes from the brilliant book by Jean Rhys, Wide Sargasso Sea:

"I will tell you anything you wish to know, but in a few words because words are no use, I know that now."

"But no one speaks of those days now. They are forgotten, except the lies. Lies are never forgotten, and they go on and they grow."

"You can pretend for a long time, but one day it all falls away and you are alone."

"There are always two deaths, the real one and the one people know about."

"He tells lies about us and he is so sure that you will believe him and not listen to the other side."
"Is there another side?" I said.
"There is always another side, always."

"When man don't love you, more you try, more he hate you, man like that. If you love them they treat you bad, if you don't love them they after you night and day bothering your soul case out.... All women, all colours, nothing but fools. Three children I have. One living in this world, each one a different father, but no husband, I thank my God. I keep my money. I don't give it to no worthless man."

"How old was I when I learned to hide what I felt? A very small boy. Six, five, even earlier. It was necessary, I was told, and that view I have always accepted."

"It was not a safe game to play--in that place. Desire, Hatred, Life, Death came very close in the darkness. Better not know how close. Better not think, never for a moment. Not close. The same...'You are safe,' I'd say to her and to myself. 'Shut your eyes. Rest.'"

"What I see is nothing--I want what it hides--that is not nothing."

"Tears--nothing! Words--less than nothing. As for the happiness I gave her, that was worse than nothing. I did not love her. I was thirsty for her, but that is not love. I felt very little tenderness for her, she was a stranger to me, a stranger who did not think or feel as I did."

"I woke next morning knowing that nothing would be the same. It would change and go on changing."

"And if the razor grass cut my legs and arms I would think 'It's better than people.' Black ants or red ones, tall nests swarming with white ants, rain that soaked me to the skin--once I saw a snake. All better than people. Better. Better, better than people. Watching the red and yellow flowers in the sun thinking of nothing, it was as if a door opened and I was somewhere else, something else. Not myself any longer."

*Compelling. Moving. Heartbreaking. Yet so true.*

2003-09-17T11:45:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week:

Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed.

Well...I am off to take an exam...or rather, off to the execution block....

2003-09-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY, MEGAN! I LOVE YOU GIRL AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY! *MuAh*

2003-09-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

*For everyone who has felt "the feeling."*

The Feeling

I'm on the pinnacle.
I'm at the peak
Of this lonely mountain
Of this deserted steep.

[This is not where I want to be;
Rather, this is where I find myself.
I don't know how I got here....
My voice sounds distant as I cry for help.]

I'm all alone and
I look around in distress.
What is this cold stone?
What is this life-mess?

[How did this happen?
Who wrote the plot?
It's a comedy of errors--
But funny? Ha. It's not.]

--July 11th, 2003

2003-09-14T19:49:00.000-05:00

For all you Flagler College folks, Leon does a show on 88.5, Flagler College Radio, on Wed. from 9 to 11 in the mornings.... Listen in!

2003-09-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

"Forward Motion"

Whoa-o...i've been banging my head against the wall / whoa-o...for so long it seems i knocked it down. yeah, it got knocked down / whoa-o...and the heating bill went through the roof / whoa-o...and the wall i knocked down was the proof / that my landlord needed to kick me out i got evicted now i'm living on the street / my spirits lifted...oh wait, that wasn't me / too many turns have turned out to be wrong / this time i learned that, i knew it all along / when car crashes occur / the i'll be what you were / when i see what i should / when i see that its good / to experience the bittersweet / to taste defeat / then brush my teeth / experience the bittersweet / the taste defeat / then brush my teeth / cause i struggle with forward motion / i struggle with forward motion / we all struggle with forward motion / cause forward motion is harder than it sounds / well every time i gain some ground / i gotta turn myself around again / whoa-o...i've been banging my head against the wall / whoa-o...for so long it seems i got knocked out. yeah, i got knocked out cold. / whoa-o...and the medical bills went throught the roof / whoa-o...and the scar on my head is the proof / that i'll still remember this when i get old / when i grasp the concept / then i'll sleep where you slept / when i know i need help / when i allow myself

--Reliant K
off their cd, "two lefts don't make a right...but three do"

2003-09-14T19:23:00.000-05:00

The unexpected always happens. So why isn't the unexpected the expected? It should be. Really, nothing ever happnes the way it is "supposed" to. Nothing ever turns out the way we expect. Life is an ever ironic story--you've got to learn to laugh and not take things so seriously to survive.

2003-09-10T15:06:00.000-05:00

Streaked

Black, blotchy mascara covers and streaks my face.
Head in my hands, holding hair back,
Dead eyes are reflected
As I see an image--who is that?
She is a stranger in a familiar land...
A place she doesn't want to know anymore.
She is misunderstood--consistenly.
It hurts. Her heart is bruised and sore.
Hours before she put that mascara on flawlessly.
Hours ago she was smiling.
But that was hours ago...
And now she just wants to be hiding.
But there is nowhere to hide in this familiar place.
So I just stare at my face.
Hair falling, pale skin streaked with black.
Dead eyes stare back.

(August 13,2003)

2003-09-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

This is kind of random, but HEY, note the title LOL! Megan and I now have "Rosie the Riviter" hanging on our door, so as we walk out into the craziness of classes and other various activities, we are encouraged by "WE CAN DO IT!" And, yes, we can!

So I go on break tonight and I bought a USA TODAY. Of course, I didn't finish reading it, so I put it in the break room to retrieve when I got off work. Well, some bright, but cute, person threw it away! I was like, "Dude, you owe me a paper and you're getting me one tomorrow!" LOL It's a tragic day when people throw the printed media away like it's garbage.... "Bring back the newspaper generation," I scream. "Revive the art form of the printed news!" Maybe I'm a little prejudiced, lol.

2003-09-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening I attended a forum where Joe Klein spoke! Exciting! If you are not familiar with Klein, he is the author of Primary Colors (the fictional account of the not-so-fictional Clinton scandals) and a TIME columnist. These are some interesting quotes from last night:

"You don't want to be governed by 'goodie-goodies.' We are all sinners. You want to have a president that understands human nature. You want to have a president that inspires people."

"The President is absolutely right. We cannot leave Iraq. If we leave it, we leave an anarchic, terrorist state....Here I am in this ironic possision--having opposed the war, but now I support the President."

"The U.S. Military is the one part of our government that I never have questions about. They're the best."

"We have the greatest military in the world pinned down in the desert."

***********SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST******************

"So what do we do? Well, I'm sorry, but we have to become citizens again. My brother doesn't vote. He say's, 'Why should we encourage them?' [....] If the statistics are correct, half the people of America vote, half the people of America don't. That is not acceptable now."

Amen! Although Klein clearly stated that we should not leave Iraq--we cannot leave Iraq, he also referenced this quote from Winston Churchill written in a letter in 1928, "We are sitting a-top an ungrateful volcano." Doesn't that describe it perfectly? Not that all the people of Iraq are ungrateful; many actual are happy that Sadam has been de-throned. But our guys are still dying, and the war is over. Explain that. These guys put their lives on the line for the freedom of a repressed and abused people, and yet some of those same mistreated people are turning around and killing the ones who have given them opportunity and hope. Why? Is it the money? Is it fear? Or is it pure, unadultered hatred?

This is off topic but I am dying laughing right now. The radio announcer just stated that "Richard Nixon," or a man wearing a Richard Nixon mask robbed some store on Cassat.... HaHaHa. "I am not a theif!" LOL.

2003-09-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

"The last time he had tried to do it, his method had been, in the doctor's words, a masterpiece of inventiveness; he would have succeeded, had not an envious fellow patient thought he was learning to fly--and stopped him. What he really wanted was to tear a hole in his world and escape."

"This, and much more, she accepted--for after all living did mean accepting the loss of one joy after another, not even joys in her case--mere possibilities of improvement."

--Vladimir Nabokov
from "Signs and Symbols"

2003-09-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

I Corinthians 10:23
"All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not."

2003-09-07T16:03:00.000-05:00

For everyone who has ever felt like this....

"She had done the usual trick--been nice. She would never know him. He would never know her. Human relations were all like that , she thought, and the worst were between men and women."
--Virginia Woolf
To the Lighthouse pg. 92

Sitting.
Hard concrete bench.
Squirrels eating nuts.
Oblivious.

Cold.
Warm April evening.
Across from you.
Masks.

Two friends.
Two lovers.
Two strangers.
Same two.

Two people who knew each other so well...
Or at least thought they did.
Now strangers.
Separated by two feet...

Facing each other,
Or at least each other's facade.
Being "real"...
Is that possible?

Looking into each other's eyes.
Searching.
Finding.
Nothing.

Changing Constantly.
Afraid.
Alone...Together.
Separated by two feet.

Separated by two lifetimes.

Regrets and remembrance.
Acceptance and forgiveness.
Reality and emotions.

Betrayal and hurt.
Tears and laughter.
Pain and joy.

LOVE.

Separated by a chasm...
Separated by two feet.

The distance that separates the human race is an immense chasm. The actual separation is not too far--maybe at times 2 miles, 2 feet, 2 inches. But why is it that we can never attain that one wish, to be completely connected to another soul besides our own--and can we even be completely connected to our own soul? We try to be real with ourselves. We try to be real with those we love. Yet is our "realness" in and of itself a lesser "fakeness"?--The inner wall--never completely unbarring the soul?--never completely free to love and be loved? Those people that should know us best, those we should know best.... Yes, we know how they like their coffee. Yes, we know their little quirks and awkwardnesses. Yes, we even know how exactly to twist their hearts into agony. But is that knowing a person?

We knew each other. You knew me more than anyone ever has...more than anyone ever will. I knew you intimately. So how is it that we are strangers? Did we ever know? Slowly the bars are placed back over the soul. Slowly, painfully, the barricades, the walls, the fortress is reconstructed. We are by ourselves, asking answerless questions, telling truthful lies. "He is O.K." "I am O.K." "We are O.K." Define O.K.? Unsure, yet certain of the unknow?

Face framed by the light--our light--a dying light...a moment, yet even when I realized the moment, it had turned into a memory. It is the place in time where the present becomes the past, yet never gives a glimpse of the future, the next moment.

Will there be another moment?

Yes, certainly.

But can we be certain of anything?

No, certainly not.

2003-09-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

Tonight was increadible! You that were there know exactly what I am talking about. God is REAL and He was with us tonight. We saw Him, tasted of Him, smelt his fragrance, and felt and heard Him in a way like no other. Don't tell me God is dead--He is alive. I met with Him tonight. Don't tell me God is "old fashioned." He is current in an every day way.

2003-09-06T11:52:00.000-05:00

The only thing that makes sense is that nothing makes sense. Everything in life is a "catch-22," isn't it? There's always an upside to the down.... There's always a downside to the up.... The glass is always half full--or is it half empty? But that is not true, either. Sometimes the glass is overflowing--cascading and creating its own little river of joy. Other times...well, the glass is put on the shelf--emptied, cleaned, dried, and put away.

Can your heart go on beating
When it is bleeding?
Does the sun still shine
Where there is no sunshine?

Yes.
Yes.

When darkness is all you can see
Does that mean darkness is all there is?
When it seems no one cares...
Does no one care?

No!
No!

It is the belief that "life goes on" that makes life worth the pain--the faith that God has a plan and He is in complete control...even when it feels like everything is falling apart...even when our little self-centered worlds come collapsing in a circle at our feet...it's the hope that things aren't hopeless...it's the faith to keep believing.

2003-09-05T10:01:00.000-05:00

Last night was increadible. A bunch of us from IV got together and had "praise and prayer" in the palm garden. It was completely amazing to be sitting around cross-legged in the grass with a canopy of palm trees and stars praising our Creator. Dave, the guy who leads our worship, made a comment about how we are to praise God with what we have, and that is all we are expected to do. We don't have to have great things or accomplish marvelous things to worship! He said, "Tonight, we have our voices, and I have this six string guitar. That's what we can praise God with." I read a verse this morning that totally goes along with the atmosphere last night.... Hebrews 2:12 states, "For he says in the book of Psalms, 'I will talk to my brothers about God my Father, and together we will sing his praises.'" That is exactly how last night was! How awesome that we are not alone! We Christians have each other; we can talk to each other about our Father; together we can praise Him! Psalms 16:11 says, "You have let me experience the joys of life and the exquisite pleasures of your own eternal presence." What is there "better" in life than the presence of God? I desire nothing more.

"Give me one pure and holy passion; give me one magnificent obsession; give me one glorious ambition for my life--to know and follolw hard after you. To know and follow hard after you...To grow as your disciple in your truth...This world is empty, pale and poor compared to knowing you my Lord, so lead me on and I will follow after you....Lead me on and I will follow after you...."

2003-09-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

A dedication to Katie Gail:

*We miss you girl*

We are all connected in this river of life. Our own lives mix and blend in the river with the lives of our brothers, our sisters, our friends--our fellow human beings. Though we are all part of this river, we each follow our very own stream. We have our own ideas, our own passions, our own dreams, our own fears, and our own insecurities. We pulse to our own waves, pass through our own crags, are dashed upon our own rocks--yet we share in this passage together. It is a singular journey, complex and simple--shallow usually, deep occasionally when we allow ourselves to dive further into the sometimes crystal clear, sometimes murky water. Although we follow a course of our own, we follow the course together. Our streams are connected to the river; and the river connects us all.

*MuAh*

2003-09-04T18:37:00.000-05:00

"I knew the mass of men conceal'd / Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal'd / They would by other men be met / With blank indifference, or with blame reproved; / I knew they lived and moved / Trick'd in disguises, alien to the rest / Of men, and alien to themselves--and yet / The same heart beats in every human breast! / But we, my love!--doth like a spell benumb / Our hearts, our voices?--must we too be dumb? / Ah! well for us, if even we, / Even for a moment, can get free / Our heart, and have our lips unchain'd; / For that which seals them hath been deep-ordain'd! / Fate, which foresaw / How frivolous a baby man would be-- / By what distractions he would be possess'd, / How he would pour himself in every strife, / And well-nigh change his own identity-- / That it might keep from his capricious play / His genuine self, and force him to obey / Even in his own despite his being's law, / Bade through the deep recesses of our breast / The unregarded river of our life / Pursue with indiscernible flow its way; / And that we should not see / The buried stream, and seem to be / Eddying at large in blind uncertainty, / Though driving on with it eternally. / But often, in the world's most crowded streets, / But often, in the din of strife, / There rises an unspeakable desire / After the knowledge of our buried life; / A thirst to spend our fire and restless force / In tracking out our true, origional course; / A longing to inquire / Into the mystery of this heart which beats / So wild, so deep in us--to know / Whence our lives come and where they go." --Matthew Arnold, from "The Buried Life"

2003-09-04T18:21:00.000-05:00

So you might be asking, "What do you mean by 'we ourselves are untrustworthy?'" How in the world could I make a statement like that? This is what I mean: How many times do we have wonderfully "good intentions" but, regardless of those perfect ideals, royally mess up everything?! Think about that! I know I am not going to make a list--first of all it would take me a lifetime to write and another lifetime to get over the shock and depression of my utter failure and miserable existance! :) How wonderful to have a God who we can trust completely for every detail of our lives. How amazing to have a Father who loves us more that we can ever possible know or comprehend.... So why is it so easy to say, "God I am trusting you completely" and at the same time such a struggle to acctually do at times? Why is it that we feel the need for perfection--that we feel the need to "fix" the problem ourselves--to accomplish everything on our own? I thought about these questions, and the only answer that I could think of, the one word that was being shouted in my head, was PRIDE....

2003-09-04T08:57:00.000-05:00

**If everything in life made sense, it wouldn't be interesting.**

In contemplation, I am wondering if it was a lie or just an un-truth? It's so funny how you think you know a person, isn't it? But really, who knows anything? Most of the time we don't even know ourselves.... The only person we can truly trust completely is our Heavenly Father! Prov. 3:5-6 states, "Trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success." Society tells us, "You can't trust anyone except yourself," but therein lies the fallacy. We OURSELVES are untrustworthy....

2003-09-03T19:57:00.000-05:00

Hi! My name is Laci, and I am starting this blog site today because my room-mate, Megan *BEST EVER*, told me I should, and I am excited about it! So, ok boss lady! JOSHING JOSHING! Anyways...a little about myself: I am a full-time sophmore at Flagler College in St. Augustine Florida--luv it! I live down here in St. Augustine, but I am origionally from Jacksonville, FL. I am an English major/journalism minor. As you can probably guess, I love writing and reading! Today was our fist day of classes for this semester and I am super excited about the classes I am taking! I am also into designing and sewing, which I haven't done much of lately, and I work part-time at Chick-fil-A :) That is enough about me! :)